May 26, 2009

Home with Bubba at my side at all times, including going up the stairs to my office difficult for his joints. He sleeps a lot, lies down instead of sitting up and is handsome, as always. I didn't spoil my children, but I certainly have indulged my 13 year old Lab. 

This afternoon, I became very anxious and agitated; a friend is helping to sort and file my cd's, David Currie was on the phone asking what to bring for lunch from the deli, Rigdon asking me how to download a pay-per-view on Dish, it was too much all at once. After making my feelings known, things quieted down. I can't seem to handle chaos as I usually can. Then Alexis called to tell me a story about our hospital stay, she reports:

Mom, you woke up in the middle of the night and started to get out of bed, Alexis said, "Mom, lay down!" I said, correcting her grammar, "You mean, lie down." She said even in a drugged stupor, a few hours post surgery, I still corrected her grammar.

I had a lot of pain yesterday around the drains which are sticking right out of the underarms, soft tender flesh. The drainage tubes appear to have a few stitches to attach them to the delicate underarm skin and I have finally found a solution. I put on my special undershirt (I call it my Mormon underwear) with pockets for the drainage bottles, then place the two small rectangular pillows under the drains.  Next I put on a tight fitting t-shirt which keeps the drainage tubes up and away from pulling on my skin and they are held in place pretty well by the shirt, pillows in place. I do a lot of adjustments during the day, my contraption works, and it only took me a week to figure out this solution. I have to remind myself to keep my shoulders back, my natural inclination is to curl my chest forward to protect my wounds. If I continue doing the hunching over, the next steps of expansion (for my new little boobies) will be more difficult.

factoid: 1 % of breast cancer affects men

I will be able to have the drains removed when the fluid output for each drain is less than 30 ml a day for two days; now the output is 80 ml a day. I massage the areas hoping that will encourage draining, it is amazing to think how the body would have to absorb all the fluid without the drains. Oh god, how simple a lumpectomy or two would have been.

Speaking of god, Viva, my ex-step daughter-in-law nurse, told me she has been praying for me directly to St. Jude. I appreciate prayers, I have a lot of respect for the rosary, lighting candles, and rituals of most religions however,  St. Jude is the Saint of lost causes. Go figure...

Tonight I plan to rent a pay-per-view since the Netflix movies haven't come yet. I did watch "Soap Dish" with Sally Field, Robert Downey Jr., Elizabeth Shue, Kevin Kline and more great actors the other night. This was my second viewing and I laughed again which I don't usually do.  It is because it is really funny, not because I am ailing.

Our friend, Suzanne Tyler from Sacramento, is staying for the week, then my sister Gina arrives. I don't really need all this care, but Rigdon does. When I told him I plan to postpone Gina's visit until I start chemo, he said, "No, no, I need someone here." He'll be slipping out to the Point or up to Bodega soon to find some birds. He has been a jewel dealing with the drains and keeping me calm when I get frustrated by my condition. The surgery and recovery is such a small part of the experience; looking ahead to chemo and then radiation, I figure the whole regime will be a year, even with St. Jude at my side.